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back to therapy/note to a friend/obsessions
Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2002, 10:59 p.m.

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You know, I braced myself up for 2 weeks, saying, "I don't need therapy. In fact, I don't like it. In fact, I don't want to go back. It's dumb. I'm all better." Last night, I thought, "I've been gone too long. She won't remember me. I won't remember how to be. I'm afraid. I don't want to go. I'm going to cancel." I went today at 1pm. Now I'm thinking, "Why do I feel weaker now than I did this time last week? Why am I more afraid? Why can't I be happy to be better without being afraid of the same accomplishment."

I am just about as anxious now as I was last night. Didn't say this right. Didn't remember to bring this up. Twisted my hair as a tactic to see if she noticed. Didn't remember how to be, exactly. Talked about a lot of good things, then about a bad thing. Ended on maybe the wrong note. What is my goal? What is it that I'm trying to prove? What is it that I need?

Bottom line: I'm more comfortable being alone (read: without therapy and support) than I am with her (read: with support and understanding). I braced myself up and now have to unbuild those walls so I can trust again. Two weeks and the walls went right back up. Two weeks. Damn.

You know, I wrote something to a fellow D-lander (and I'm not gonna link to it just in case she wouldn't want me to). I see this bad situation she is going through. I can relate to it. I've been there. I've had my entire shell of confidence and self-worth shattered by someones harsh or careless word. I've wanted to harm myself (and sometimes I have) in physical and sabotoging ways. I see that happening to her. And I tried to write to her that I relate, that I agree, that I validate, and that I don't want her to have to go through the pain. I want her to superglue that broken glass and by doing so, say to that guy, "You ass. You have no power over me....be gone, before someone drops a house on you, too!" (Wizard of Oz reference, lol). Anyway, I hope she takes it in the spirit I intended it. She is a very very smart woman and deserves no more pain than she's already been through.

Well, here I sit. 11:00. I should be taking a shower. Sleeping. Getting up and going to work tomorrow. What am I doing? Obsessing about therapy. Sigh. Alright, take your own advice! Stop renting out the space in my brain to this obsessive thought. Kick it out and redecorate with things I LIKE. It's my brain and I'm the landlord.

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